Thoughts in motion

It's probably the most personal of my projects so far, usually I'm focused on conveying more abstract ideas and comments on the current socio-technological landscape (vide SHADOW OF DOUBT, BEHOLDER etc.) rather than expressing myself directly. In this case it's a bit different - as I've recently started to experience a gradual rise of anxiety, creative burnout, doubt and symptoms of depression, I decided that maybe I should try to channel those thoughts and feelings and encapsulate them in some form - externalising them to be able to look at them from a safe distance.

We're living in the era of models - we're almost obsessively trying to digitally model every aspect of reality - from the weather, through the stock market to the language and process of thinking and even our emotions. Thus I've realised that maybe I can kind of subversively utilise the new technology of Large Language Models (LLM) to construct the model of my own mental struggle to synthesize what's deeply personal into mechanical abstraction that's so much easier to deal with.

As my method of work is all about intertwining physical with digital I wasn't intending to stop on just playing with LLM's on the screen - I've asked myself what if I'll quite literally build the physical models trough which I'll be able to convey the synthetic thoughts modeling my current state of mind ? I've decided to display words produced by LLM briefed on my feelings and emotions on old school 14-segment alphanumeric displays but also combine the meaning of those words with physical motion of the objects in the vein of “kinetic poetry” in part inspired OuLiPo movement.

And here they are - three physical models that are vehicles for expressing the output of the Large Language Model that models my troubled mind undergoing the crisis. Hope you'll find them a bit moving...

Mood Swing

a model of constantly fluctuating sentiments

One of the key aspects of any creative practice is to keep an emotional balance between euphoria and misery. To a certain degree it's only natural to have ups and downs toward the project you are currently working on and your practice in general - though the amplitude of those swings might become problematic.

It's this constant struggle that I've encased in the Mood Swing. The LLM is instructed to create a series (potentially infinite) of emotional antonyms and three “in-between” terms, creating a sort of affective gradient - for example: EUPHORIA - JOY - CALM - UNEASE - MISERY. Then those word-sets are downloaded onto the microcontroller (raspberry pi pico w) and animated in sync with physically swinging display - thus providing a visceral performance of the emotional quiver.

Train of Thought

a model of an endless stream of anxious and regretful reflections

Amongst multitude of distressful psychological phenomena there is one of the most exhausting - ruminations - defined by American Psychiatric Association as:

[...] repetitive thinking or dwelling on negative feelings and distress and their causes and consequences.

This never ending “train of thought” constantly circulating and regurgitating pointless doubts, regrets and anxieties that literally leads nowhere and keeps me up at night pushed me towards its physical manifestation - so I've embedded it in the form of… a hacked train model.

Here the LLM is briefed on the issue of ruminations and asked to produce a virtually infinite range of sentences describing all sorts of doubts and anxieties based on my confessions. These sentences are then downloaded onto the raspberry pi pico w that displays them on a screen divided into four wagons and also controls the speed of the train creating an illusion of new thoughts constantly arriving and departing like unwanted passengers of the mind.

Rise & Shine

a model of infinite cascade of futile reassurances

People struggling with depression all too often hear those generic and futile words of encouragement and all sorts of baffling “motivational quotes” like they could be treated as some form of medicine.

Ironically the LLM thrives in the positive and generic realm, so I was not surprised how easily and flawlessly it constructed all sorts of pseudo-encouraging statements. Here again I receive a potentially unbounded stream of such sentences that are displayed and cheerfully raised up by 8 separate servo sliders in unison only to start glitching and falling apart a few moments later.